Continue to read on about the four adoptees who observe November not as, National Adoption Awareness Month but as National ADOPTEE Awareness Month. They hope to change the misconceptions about adoption by changing the narrative with their voices.

“I initially hated adoption, then suppressed that for safety, evolved to becoming a mouthpiece for adoption..”  | Butler

1. What does adoption mean to you? Have you always felt this way, or has it evolved over time?

My parents attempted to explain adoption to me when I was very young. For a while, I think I believed that I was somehow “purchased” and viewed adoption as a financial transaction. Over time, I grew to view adoption as a way to understand that we can choose our family. I viewed adoption as meaning that since I was biologically related to anyone I knew, I could decide who my family was the same way my parents chose me. Call it a coping mechanism, but something positive stuck with me.

Adoption is like a constant game of hide and seek with yourself. Just when I feel pretty comfortable and confident with who I am and not knowing about certain aspects about myself or my biological family – POOF! Something, someone, or a spontaneous thought changes the game and I’m seeking again. I didn’t always feel this way. When I was a kid, adoption meant I was given away for unknown reasons and I was lucky my family wanted a little girl like me. But as a teenager I became obsessed with finding everything and anything related to my adoption with no real answers. This resulted in being obsessed and depressed about adoption. But I’ve always remained curious.

Growing up in the Philippines, adoption for me meant just literally getting adopted by a stranger/s. As time went interestingly on, the meaning meant something more… I’m grateful but remained curious up to this day.

Adoption means trauma to me now but I haven’t always felt this way. I am now uncovering really painful thoughts I had as a child around my adoption that I suppressed. Until only about 3-4 years ago did my opinion really start to change. Prior to that, after suppressing my thoughts about my situation (probably by the age of 8), I became a mouthpiece for adoption. As a TRA I stand out from my family – so I just started to answer any questions people asked (and they did…all the time). It was a strange place to be in looking back. I was being forced to defend something I was still uncomfortable with myself. I became really protective of the institution of adoption because I thought it was a direct reflection of me as an adoptee. If adoption is bad than adoptees are bad in my child logic. I was always desperate for people not to view me as a stereotypical adoptee – or more accurately, for people not to see me as damaged (I blamed myself for my adoption, but I didn’t realize this until very recently). This all put so much weight on me to carry at a young age. Weight I didn’t realize I carried until I unpacked it in therapy and my therapist had to tell me! I shouldn’t have had any of that responsibility.

I initially hated adoption, then suppressed that for safety, evolved to becoming a mouthpiece for adoption – which I hated but didn’t realize or feel like I had a choice. Throughout the years, I encountered some adoptees that had appalling mothers that resulted in damaging outcomes. I would call my Mom and thank her for not making me feel guilty about my adoption.

In 2020, I began to unpack my feelings about adoption. I started following adoptees online and engaging with their content, and it resonated with me in ways I hadn’t expected. Suddenly, things I had felt my entire life began to make sense. In 2021, I had the privilege of working with the incredible Hannah Jackson Matthews, a TRA, mentor, advocate, writer, and educator. She helped me gain a deeper understanding of my adoption, particularly the TR aspects, and began to shed new light on my experience.

By early 2022, I finally told my mom I hated being adopted, and not long after, she passed away. I started therapy, and now I’m firmly in the camp of reforming or abolishing the family separation system. I work as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for foster youth and believe the system is broken. As an adoptee who would have been relinquished regardless, I recognize that racism, even if family separation were fixed, would have still led to my removal. But I also believe there were better options for my adoption. I deserved to grow up in a diverse community where I saw people who looked like me and had access to my ancestry.

“I realized I carried a feeling that I was placed for adoption because my biological parents didn’t want me.” | Nicole

2. In 1982 Sharon Kaplan Roszia, MS, and Deborah Silverstein, MSW, first introduced the 7 core issues of adoption: Loss, Rejection, Shame & Guilt, Grief, Identity, Intimacy, and Mastery & Control. In 2019, Allison Davis Maxon MS, LMFT joined Roszia expanding the Seven Core Issues to include all forms of permanency and accounts the additional impact that attachment disruptions and trauma has on members of the adoptees’ constellation. Specific to your experience which issue(s) were more difficult to navigate through and why?

Rejection and Identity have always been the most difficult for me to navigate. I wasn’t able to name it when I was younger, but I realized I carried a feeling that I was placed for adoption because my biological parents didn’t want me. I often imagined that I was born and then immediately rushed out of the room because there was no desire to keep me around. That was a complicated issue and is something I still feel sometimes, even as an adult. My Identity was complex because I often looked for myself inside others and felt lost, as no one around me looked like me or seemed to understand me. I often wondered if there was a person out there who had all the same traits. That was also a hard feeling to process because I didn’t want to give this stranger any credit for my personality, even while I longed for that connection.

Rejection and Identity. Rejection is heavier between 6 years old and 20 years old. I was the, “there’s one thing that’s not like the others” in a group of my peers. During grade school I felt more rejected than I actually was. It was high school when rejection was not just in my head. I looked different and acted different than my racial group. Identity, the issue I still struggle to navigate today. 

Rejection in a way where I was put in a category (by other kids) because of what the hearsays our. It was not exactly difficult to navigate through that because I have a family that was able to redirect my focus on what’s present, the reality, instead of the bullshit the comes along with the “stories”. Loss & grief will always be part of it because of the unknown.

They all impacted me, and they all were and continue to be incredibly difficult for me to navigate. I still struggle to access my thoughts and emotions, not just about adoption, but everything. When you start suppressing your feelings at such a young age—probably since birth—it becomes hard to know what you truly think or feel. This is why adoption affects every part of your life. Every decision I’ve made, from the beginning, has been shaped by my early experiences of relinquishment, rejection, fear, and sadness. I realize this more and more each day. After reading a blog from another adoptee, I recognized that I have intimacy issues, though my therapist linked it to my social anxiety and attachment issues. It’s something I’d felt shame about but couldn’t quite understand or articulate. While I feel some relief in understanding why I act this way, I’m still processing the shame and have only discussed it with my therapist. And the thing with these core issues is that they’re all connected—loss creates grief, and intimacy issues breed shame.

Rejection can impact identity. Lack of control creates intimacy issues. Etc. I’d be willing to bet, most adoptees experience all of these issues in pretty equal measure…certainly TRAs. I think the added layer of whiteness in my life and the knowledge I have and will continue to do harm to the Black community. It all ties into identity, grief, loss, rejection, and shame. As for attachment, I’m a disorganized, anxious, avoidant attacher. How I’m married is beyond me. (In truth, my husband has ASD, and his indifference to my need for ‘tenderness’ and ‘intimacy’ has, in some ways, helped our relationship work. He also internalizes and acknowledges the new information I share with him.)

3. Do you think there are any misconceptions about adoption?

That it’s a “blessing.” I believe that people romanticize adoption as an innocent child who their adoptive parents save. I’ve heard that term more times than I can count. I would smile and nod or agree with them. However, to conceive adoption as simply a blessing for the child and parents minimizes so much emotion. It makes it difficult to feel upset or rejected because you are “supposed” to feel blessed. I think that misconception is well-intentioned but unfair to those involved in the adoption process.

Adoption is love. I believe there can be love – BUT love does not inherently encompass adoption. I believe in order to build a health family constellation there needs to be mutual, love, trust, and respect.

One that stands out for me in my culture (as someone who was born & raised in the Philippines for 18 years) is hearing other families make their decision based on physical appearances. God forbid, if you choose somebody who’s very dark skinned, it means they’re not as appealing (good looking) to the society and most likely that child is not going to get the same opportunities/privileges (in general) as somebody who’s light skinned. Going off topic here, that’s why the Philippines is huge on marketing lightening products for the skin. 

Yes! Tons! The biggest misconception I believe that most of society believes that adoption is inherently good. I think there are so many things wrong with this assessment I could write a doctorate dissertation. First, it assumes that birth families are inherently unable to provide a good life for their child. It assumes that it’s better to pay for a child than pay to help a child stay in their home with their birth family. That all adoptive families are inherently good, when we know that is statistically not true. It assumes that there isn’t a billion-dollar industry behind adoption. It assumes there isn’t white saviorism as a driving cause. It assumes adoptees grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted adults. It provides an alternative to abortion that is more palatable.

“…the child does not get an option to choose you. ” | Cristina

4. What do you think is important for individuals to know before considering adopting?

I think it’s important to understand that you are adopting a human – not your hopes and dreams for what that child will become, but a human who will be flawed and have struggles as any child does. I think it’s important for prospective parents to challenge themselves to process why they are adopting and their concerns and ensure they have a strong support network around them to navigate things. I could dig deeper into the cultural implications of adopting a child from a different background. Still, it comes down to understanding that this child owes you nothing and deserves everything you’re willing to invest into being their parent.

In the majority of adoption cases, the child does not get an option to choose you.  

Research. Research. Research. Reach out to other families who have gone through adoption. Prepare to love. Practice empathy. 

First, if you’re white, please do not adopt a child of color. If you do, you need to be fully and absolutely prepared to uproot your life for them if needed. Second, if you adopt, please know that you are being given a sacred gift. A sacred responsibility. To raise someone else’s child is not a “favor” you’re doing for someone. It isn’t a “calling.” It is a sacred responsibility to raise another person’s child. You should be prepared to parent as though your child has a massive illness. By this I mean, your adoptee may need more parenting than a biological child. More time, attention, tools, support, etc. I also would ask them to really mine why they are adopting. Is it because you can’t have your own children? Is it because you feel called by God? Is it because you want to help a child? Think of the why before you do so you can really determine what your ulterior motives are. If you can’t have children biologically, it doesn’t mean you have a right to someone else’s child.

“I didn’t really feel “the bond” until I met my little sister!” | Karina

5. This year’s National Adoption Month theme is “Honoring Youth: Strengthening Pathways for Lasting Bonds.” It is to highlight the importance of helping our youth build strong networks that provide support to assure their racial, ethnic, and cultural identity. Are there any (natural/ surprising/ intentional/ unintentional) bonds you made through the topic of adoption that has made an impact on you?

Exploring my experience as an adoptee in grad school allowed me to be vulnerable and connect with peers with similar experiences. I never viewed being adopted as a way of connecting to others. However, exploring those complex feelings helped me see that some were universal and connected me to others with similar feelings from their upbringing.

The bond that I had with my therapist growing up really helped me navigate the unknowns and fantasies I had about adoption. Within the last 10 years the bonds I made with other adoptees have been instrumental to my journey. More recently, continuing to build a long-distance bond with a newfound biological sibling. 

I didn’t really feel “the bond” until I met my little sister! Surprisingly, I didn’t have any strong feelings even when I found out that I was adopted 10 years ago… my emotions at that time felt force because I want to feel something. But then my little sister came along, a ray of freakin sunshine tipped my world just a tad bit (in a good way) and led me to better myself a little bit more because I have a little sister to show up to. My protective instincts as “the big sister” also came out.

The closest bonds I’ve made so far in my life have been with other BIPOC adoptees. Through these connections, I’ve come as close as I can to feeling true intimacy and bonding. Yes, I’m married, but how I ‘feel’ is complicated. Sometimes, I can’t even tell what I feel. Being part of this community has brought up emotions I can’t ignore—feelings of support, appreciation, love, and belonging. I met this group in 2023 at a storytelling event where I shared my story. Afterward, despite just meeting everyone, we were all so proud of one another. We hugged and celebrated together. Since then, these bonds have only deepened. In June 2024, I shared my story again at a different event, with some familiar faces, but it didn’t matter. We all felt pride for each other. I now consider all adoptees my family—I call it my ‘adoptee fam.’ My chosen family includes my closest BIPOC adoptee friends, my husband, my sister-in-law, my nieces, and my college besties. This community has helped me feel like I’m finally building a real life, something I never thought possible before.

“This is the real me.” | Lisa

6. there anything else you want to share or leave as a last remark about your experience as an adoptee?

While adoption can bring immense love and connection, it’s crucial to recognize that it’s a lifelong journey full of layers and emotions that unfold over time. As parents, one of our greatest gifts is to hold space for our child’s feelings—without judgment, minimizing, or centering our own emotions. Empathy and listening go a long way in fostering trust and connection. The more supported adoptees feel in navigating their unique journeys, the more empowered they become to embrace their whole selves. Adoption is not a single chapter—it’s the story that spans a lifetime, and we all have the responsibility to honor and support that narrative.

Thank you for this space for my voice.

I’m very blessed to have a family who never made me feel like an outcast from then even now. Finding out that I was adopted by accident was a blessing itself because without that moment, I would never realize how lucky & loved I was.

“I want to share all of my mental health diagnoses and challenges, because I think it’s important to show the full picture. On paper—and in some real ways—my adoption story looks like a positive outcome. But despite that, adoption left me deeply traumatized.

Yes, other factors played a role in shaping my experiences. For instance, my father was verbally abusive when I was a small child. Things improved slightly after my mother briefly left him, but it wasn’t until I was in junior high that he became mostly harmless. I became his favorite because, as a child, I lived in fear of him and tried to become the version of myself he wanted: academically gifted, physically talented, and always striving to be ‘Lisa’ in a way that made him more agreeable.

Despite this, I maintained relationships with both my parents until their deaths. I’ve earned a master’s degree, have a stable marriage, and many would see my life as a success. But here’s the truth about who I am: I live with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, chronic depression, lifelong passive suicidal ideation, c-PTSD, complex grief, and ADHD. This is the real me.”

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As we wrap up November for National Adoptee Awareness Month, I want to extend my heartfelt gratitude to each of my guests for sharing their perspectives and experiences with adoption. Your willingness to answer questions and offer insight from your personal narratives has been invaluable in fostering understanding and amplifying adoptee voices. These stories matter—they hold the power to educate, challenge assumptions, and create meaningful connections. Thank you for your vulnerability, honesty, and courage in helping to paint a fuller picture of adoption. Together, we’re making space for deeper awareness and compassion.

Sources |

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (n.d.). National Adoption Month. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children’s Bureau. Retrieved [insert retrieval date], from https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoptionmonth/

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Children’s Bureau. (n.d.). Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS). Retrieved [insert retrieval date], from https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/research-data-technology/statistics-research/afcars